This has been a rough week. I brought much of it upon myself, when I broke up with Seiji on Monday. Now those of you who have been with me for the long haul know how, at the beginning of our relationship, I was the pursued, reluctant one. Seiji overcame my concerns by virtue of his constant, unflagging support and friendship. But two things have remained problematic through the five months we’ve dated. The first is my concern about the unevenness of our relationship; he loves me, while I merely like him. It makes me feel like I’m taking advantage of him. The other is my lack of attraction for him. So I told him I wanted to break up, out of the blue (for him). After a protracted, painful, awkward conversation with lots of silences and pauses (my forte when talking about my feelings) and Seiji asking, 'Why?', he left.

But now, I don’t know. My problems with the relationship have been swamped by my feelings of remorse for deliberately hurting my best friend and ally in Japan, and my fears of being alone here, “a stranger in a strange land”. Not to put to fine a point on it, I’m afraid of being by myself in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language. As Seiji pointed out, he loves me, but I need him. He knew I didn’t love him, but was comfortable with that. He thinks if I got into another relationship, it would be the same, because I am afraid to love people. I thought that was pretty insightful of him, since I suspect – or fear - the same thing, but I have the optimism to try to look.

On Tuesday, the day after, I walked to work and back, all the usual places, but I felt like I was displaced and floating. Matsue was the same, but we were different. I’m feeling an unexpected amount of pain. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Seiji hasn’t given up yet; he thinks I’m making a mistake. I’m not sure I’m not, either. I’m very unsure. I’m trying to be a strong person, but I don’t know which way to go. And there are the things we do together, like the shigin recital and the theatre festival; what will happen with those? I think we can have a friendship of sorts, but it will never be the same, and I don’t know how long it will take. He brought me flowers today. We talked on my little balcony, as we looked out through the bars at the glorious autumn day. No resolution. This is the first week that I’ve cried in Japan. I’m feeling a little heartsore.

But I’m not alone. I didn’t tell many people about Seiji and me yet, but I told Taeko, and I went back to her apartment after work on Tuesday, and she just let me talk (Actually, that’s probably when I caught my cold, since she was nursing one at the time, but I don’t begrudge her that.) And Jennifer is my one-woman cheerleading squad. I stopped by Kaya as I had promised on Wednesday, for a special Blues Night. I had my fears and nightmares about what might happen (I have a pretty detailed imagination), but Seiji was happy to see me, and the people who I thought probably knew were pretty much the same to me. No one threw anything, or hissed recriminations, or shunned me, or kicked me out.

On top of all this, I’ve got a nasty cold. I had to teach four classes yesterday with my nose red and dripping, and my trademark massive sneezes. I was sorry for my students, trapped in a room with me and breathing my germs. But at AEON, like with show biz, ‘the show must go on’. I can’t be replaced, so unless I’m vomiting or bleeding from the ears, I teach. At least, I don’t THINK they would send me into a classroom if I was throwing up; I haven’t tested this theory yet. I was just glad my last class was cancelled because the student couldn’t come. I put my head down on my desk instead and waited for my last check test of the day. No aikido for me. I came home, brewed green tea with slices of lemon, and nursed my self to bed. Taeko called, offering to go to ‘the hospital’ (in the West, a clinic) with me on Monday if I was still sick, and Seiji came by to offer me a hug, which, in my weakened state, I received and was grateful for.

So, not a shining week in my epic adventures in Japan. The end of the week leaves me feeling like a germy, sniffly jerk. Hopefully, next week will be better. Fingers crossed.